Coping Strategies for the Holiday Season That Doesn't Feel Merry

The holiday season is often marketed as a time of uninterrupted joy—a highlight reel of family gatherings, gift exchanges, and cozy nights in. But for many of us, the reality is far more complex. It’s common for December to bring a unique blend of loneliness, pressure, and exhaustion.

If you find yourself looking around at the decorations and wondering why you feel heavy while everyone else seems light, please know this: You are not alone, and you aren’t doing anything wrong.

In my work as PMHNP and through personal experience, I’ve seen how the holidays often act as a magnifying glass. If you are already navigating anxiety, depression, or ADHD, the sudden shift in routine and the weight of expectations can make those challenges harder to manage.

Here is a look at why this season feels so difficult for so many, and practical strategies to help you get through it.

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Why The Holidays Feel Heavier

Understanding the root cause of your feelings can be the first step toward relief. You aren't "broken" for feeling this way; you are reacting to a set of intense stressors.

1. The Expectation Gap

We are handed a script that says we must be happy, social, and grateful. This creates an immediate conflict if your internal reality doesn't match the external mood. When forced cheer meets genuine struggle, the result is often shame. But emotions don't operate on a calendar schedule. You aren't required to feel festive just because the date on the wall says so.

2. The Comparison Trap

Social media makes it easy to believe everyone else is having a picture-perfect holiday. Between carefully curated family photos and posts about "blessings," isolation can feel much sharper. It’s important to remember that most people’s holidays are messy and complicated behind the scenes, regardless of what they post online.

3. Disrupted Routines

For those of us with ADHD or anxiety, routine is often the glue holding our days together. The holidays tend to dissolve that structure. Sleep schedules get erratic, work hours change, and normal coping mechanisms (like the gym or quiet mornings) get pushed aside. When the rhythm of your life breaks, emotional regulation often breaks with it.

4. Complex Family Dynamics

Even loving families have tension. Returning home or spending extended time with relatives can trigger old behaviors or resurface long-buried conflicts. If you have strained relationships—or no relationship at all with your family—the emphasis on "togetherness" can highlight painful absences.

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Practical Steps to Protect Your Mental Health

You cannot control the calendar, but you can control how you engage with it. Here are actionable ways to navigate the season on your own terms.

1. Redefine Your "Win"

Who says the holidays have to be magical? Lower the bar. Aim for a season that is manageable rather than perfect. It is perfectly valid to prioritize peace over performance.

Ask yourself: What is one thing I can remove from my plate to make this week 10% easier?

Perhaps it means saying no to a party, buying gift cards instead of hunting for the perfect present, or skipping a tradition that feels like a chore.

2. Build Micro-Structure

If the lack of routine leaves you feeling unmoored, build a small, portable structure for your days. You don't need a rigid schedule, just a few anchor points.

• Sleep: Try to wake up and go to bed within the same one-hour window.

• Morning Anchor: Start the day with one non-negotiable habit, like drinking water or stepping outside for sunlight.

• Three Tasks: Limit your to-do list to three essential items per day to prevent overwhelm.

This is especially crucial for people with ADHD that rely on external cues to function.

3. Seek Low-Stakes Connection

Loneliness can be paralyzing, but you don't need a grand social event to fix it. "Micro-connections" can be surprisingly effective at boosting your mood.

• Send a quick text to a friend just to say thinking of you (no pressure to start a long conversation).

• Smile at a cashier or make small talk while getting coffee.

• Work or read in a public space like a library or cafe.

These small interactions remind your nervous system that you are part of a community, without the drain of a large social gathering.

4. Treat Traditions as Experiments

If a tradition makes you miserable, it’s not a tradition—it’s an obligation. You have the right to experiment with new rituals that actually serve you.

• Spend a day hiking or in nature instead of at a crowded mall.

• Order takeout and watch your favorite movie.

• Host a low-pressure game night with friends where pajamas are mandatory.

Traditions should reflect who you are now, not who you were ten years ago.

5. Budget Your Energy

Think of your social energy like a bank account with a daily withdrawal limit. Once you hit that limit, you are in overdraft.

• Have an Exit Strategy: Drive your own car to events so you can leave when you want.

• Take Breaks: Step into the bathroom or go for a walk around the block if the noise gets too loud.

• Set Boundaries: It is okay to say, "I can only stay for an hour."

6. Validate Your Reality

Toxic positivity—the idea that you should just "look on the bright side"—is harmful. If you feel sad, anxious, or grief-stricken, let those feelings exist.

Try validating yourself with statements like:

• "It makes sense that I'm stressed; there is a lot on my plate."

• "I miss [person], and the holidays make that harder."

Acknowledging the emotion strips away the shame and makes the feeling easier to process.

7. Get Support Before the Crash

You do not have to wait for a crisis to seek help. If you notice your sleep is suffering, your anxiety is spiking, or you are isolating heavily, reach out to a therapist or support system now. It is proactive, not dramatic, to ask for support when the load gets heavy.

The holidays are just a series of days. They don't define your worth, and they aren't a final exam on your happiness. You are allowed to get through them simply, quietly, and imperfectly. Be gentle with yourself. You are doing the best you can.